Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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