I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
