I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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