The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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