My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
