i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Randomize
