If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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