I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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