I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
