I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
