life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
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