who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
