the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
