I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize