i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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