my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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