My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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