Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
