Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Randomize
