so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
you would pick up someone in the library
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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