bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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