I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
