Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
