So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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