don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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