I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
