I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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