I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize