so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
