My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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