i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
