Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Randomize
