I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
