my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
