know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize