I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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