just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
