We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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