i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
