Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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