Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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