i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
