Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
