I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
