Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
