I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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