he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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