My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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