The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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