Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
