he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
