It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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