The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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