I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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