Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize