Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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