It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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