I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
