Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize